Ikea!

The headline in the morning paper (and you can tell a lot from the chamber of commerce priorities of my local paper considering that they think this is the most newsworthy event of the day) announced that an Ikea would be coming to town. Ikea! I actually squealed with delight. Then I read the bad news: it won't be opening until summer 2009. I want my Ikea now, dammit! Until then, I always have this song.

McCain's MySpace Mugging

Another reason to stay off MySpace: presidential hopeful John McCain's MySpace page was hacked to display an announcement regarding a very important change of his political position:

Today I announce that I have reversed my position and come out in full support of gay marriage... particularly marriage between two passionate females.

But this wasn't a politically motivated prank. It seems McCain's incompetent Internet minions yanked a template without giving proper credit and without putting the images on their own server, thus stealing the bandwith as well as the template. Here's the story from the guy who did it.

Things I have learned

When shopping for wine, don't make your purchases based on the pretty labels. Smoking Loon wine looked pretty damn cool - after all, it's a duck smoking a cigar - but it didn't taste that great. I should have stuck with the Beringer.

Break out the champale

Congratulations to Florida's newest lottery winner, Edward R. Cowal of Jensen Beach, who has just taken an $8 million lump sum payment after grabbing the $14 million jackpot. Cowal is also a registered sex offender. According to the Orlando Sentinel:

[Florida Department of Law Enforcement] records show Cowal is a registered sex offender and has a record of arrests for alleged offenses beginning in 1993, ranging from burglary, lewd and lascivious or indecent assault upon a child, trespass, aggravated assault, driving under the influence, probation violation and high-speed fleeing from law enforcement. He was sentenced to 23 months in prison between 1993 and 2000.

Why I try not to read fantasy novels

Last Thursday, fantasy novelist David Eddings was flushing out the gas tank of his busted Excalibur when he noticed a fluid leaking. "Is the fluid flammable?" he thought. To find out, he lit a piece of paper on fire and threw it into the puddle of fluid. The answer was yes, and Eddings burned his own house down, including the car and the original manuscripts of his 27 novels. At least he hasn't lost his keen powers of observation:

"One word comes to mind," the renowned wordsmith said as he stood in a pajama shirt and slippers. "Dumb."

I will bury you!

Little boys like their toys, and Boy President Bush is no exception. At a visit yesterday to a Catepillar plant in Peoria, he climbed into a D10 bulldozer like the one pictured right, cranked it up, and mockingly pretended to run over the White House press corps, sending them scurrying. When a chimp-brained fratboy like Bush mockingly does something like this, it's a little window into what he really feels, but of course the press corps he wants to kill obligingly pretends it was all just funnin' and barely reports the matter. One of the few who did was Newsweek's Holly Bailey:

"I would suggest moving back," Bush said as he climbed into the cab of a massive D-10 tractor. "I'm about to crank this sucker up." As the engine roared to life, White House staffers tried to steer the press corps to safety, but when the tractor lurched forward, they too were forced to scramble for safety."Get out of the way!" a news photographer yelled. "I think he might run us over!" said another. White House aides tried to herd the reporters the right way without getting run over themselves. Even the Secret Service got involved, as one agent began yelling at reporters to get clear of the tractor. Watching the chaos below, Bush looked out the tractor's window and laughed, steering the massive machine into the spot where most of the press corps had been positioned. The episode lasted about a minute, and Bush was still laughing when he pulled to a stop. He gave reporters a thumbs-up. "If you've never driven a D-10, it's the coolest experience," Bush said afterward. Yeah, almost as much fun as seeing your life flash before your eyes.

Will Be a Right-Wing Shill For Food

Katherine Harris passing out business cards before this week's State of the Union Address.